SIB ACN Note: This is the account that started it all. After a failed attempt to sue the Humans for defamation through our judicial branch, and then a failed attempt to "hack" the article and original website to clarify blatant  misinformation; the SIB and Executive Branch made a generous offer to the author which couldn't be refused (we won't throw birds at her windows or pinecones at her mate's head anymore). 

The Squirrels In Black now have exclusive rights to this article.  Java and I kept the majority of the story in its original form for historic purposes only.

This is NOT an SIB endorsement for Squirrel Hazing or Human interference in squirrel affairs!

You see it every spring...squirrels racing in front of cars, squirrels taunting cats, squirrels chasing dogs, and squirrels stuffing their faces until their cheeks are on the verge of exploding. Pretty normal squirrel behavior, right?

Two years ago, after yet another near miss with yet another squirrel while riding in a car, it occurred to us that there might be a reason why so many squirrels choose to run in front of cars at the very last second. At first, we thought it might be a behavioral response to a fast-moving object passing in front of them; then it occurred to us that it might be a desperate cry for attention; finally, we resigned ourselves to the belief that the squirrels were suicidal and trying to end their miserable lives. That's when we started this project.

What began as an attempt to counsel squirrels so we could find out exactly what was so miserable about their lives that they would want to end it underneath a moving vehicle, turned into one of the most startling revelations in the history of human-squirrel relations.

SQUIRREL HAZING

*haze (hâz) verb, transitive hazed, hazing, hazes 1. To persecute or harass with meaningless, difficult, or humiliating tasks. 2. To initiate, as into a college fraternity, by exacting humiliating performances from or playing rough practical jokes upon.

[Perhaps from obsolete haze, to frighten, from obsolete French haser, to annoy, from Old French.] - haz´er noun

 

It was once thought that humans were the only animals to engage in ritualized hazing. As it turns out, squirrels have been engaging in the practice since the birth of their species. From cheek stuffing to car racing...anything goes for these wantonly self-destructive creatures.

What Do These Three Squirrels Have In Common?

(Miguel)

(Beatrix)

(Clyde)

They are all dead -- the unfortunate victims of squirrel hazing.

Here we see 3 1/2 year old "Dizzy" ** engaging in the oldest known form of squirrel hazing, known as cheek stuffing. The goal of this challenge is for the victim to stuff as many nuts as possible into his/her cheek pouch. A squirrel hazing "judge" determines if the amount of nuts is enough to qualify. Many squirrels permanently disfigure their cheek pouches from participating in this particular ritual.

Here we see 2 1/2 year old "Laurie" ** participating in the second oldest form of squirrel hazing -- snow sitting. The victim is told to sit perfectly still on a mound of snow until the squirrel hazing "judge" determines that the victim has sat long enough. While it is one of the more tame hazing rituals, many squirrels have frozen to death trying to impress the squirrel hazing "judge."

Here is an example of a squirrel hazing ritual gone wrong. While engaging in the ritual known as dog chasing, 2 year old "Peter" ** and 1 1/2 year old "Kate" ** are forced to fight for their lives when the dog they were chasing suddenly turned on them. "Peter" ** can be seen here fighting valiantly while "Kate" ** goes into hiding. Fortunately, the dog's owner arrived before anyone could be hurt.

Dumpster Diving, which involves a group of squirrels participating in what could be called "mass hazing," is much more dangerous than it appears. Regularly, the victims end up impaling themselves on broken glass or dying from massive head trauma. In this case, 1 year old "Eddie" ** slammed his head into a discarded microphone stand, temporarily stunning himself senseless.

"Mandy," ** "Michael," ** and "Maria" ** demonstrate what is involved with the ritual known as cat taunting. This is a relatively new ritual due to the sudden influx of domestic felines throughout the world over the last few centuries. The object of this particular ritual is to drink all of the milk and eat all of the cat food before the cat comes after them. The dangers involved with this ritual are self-evident.

Here we see 1 1/2 year-old "Perry" ** preparing to engage in car racing. Car racing is one of the newest and most frequently witnessed form of squirrel hazing. It involves challenging the victim to run in front of a moving vehicle at the very last possible second. If a victim moves to soon, he/she is taunted and ridiculed for the rest of his/her life.

If a victim moves too late...

.(WE DIDN'T DO THIS!!!)

AN INTERNATIONAL PASTIME?

(Germany)

(England)

(America)

Squirrel hazing isn't limited to one geographical location. In fact, squirrel hazing has been witnessed all over the world. Wherever squirrel hazing has been witnessed, squirrel "observers" have been seen nearby.

These squirrel "observers" seem to have the dual purpose of taunting the victim into performing the ritual and punishing any victim refusing to participate. Any victim refusing to participate is severely beaten, then exiled from the neighborhood NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN.

While we were observing the dog chasing ritual, we notice one squirrel standing off by itself. At first we didn't think anything of it until we noticed how all the squirrels seemed to make a point of avoiding going near this particular squirrel.

Curious to see what was causing the other squirrels to avoid this particular squirrel, we approached with our camera. What transpired next was completely unexpected.

The squirrel suddenly turned on us, grabbing our camera from our hands then smashing it into the ground. Before we knew what was happening, it was all over. The squirrel had resumed its former position, leaving our camera a mangled, broken mess.

 

• If you see a squirrel attempting to race your car, slow down or stop. Since there is no challenge in racing a slow or stopped car, the squirrel judge will nullify the ritual and have the victim perform a less hazardous ritual. This is preferred since the losers of this ritual tend to get smelly after a few days.

 

• If you see a gathering of squirrels in a public setting, take this as a possible sign of trouble. Try to break up the group as quickly as possible without causing harm to any of the participants -- we recommend calling the SIB or running around in circles wildly flailing your arms and legs while making weird noises or funny faces. Never make physical contact or indirect contact with a squirrel!

• If you own a dog, keep it on a leash at all times so the squirrels won't have a reason to chase it. Besides that, dogs have smelly breath, their slobber could easily drown a younger squirrel, and their pointy teeth can cause nightmares, physical pain, and/or death.

 

• If you own a cat, do not keep its food and water outside where squirrels can access them. The same goes for dog food.  Rabbit food and bird seed is fine since a squirrel could win a fight against either of them - unless the bird is an owl or worse.  Rabbits are just wannabe rodents (fakers!) and don't pose a threat. All other pet food is garbage.

 

• Do not give peanuts to squirrels. Peanuts are the raw source of "Peanut Oil," *** which is a powerful intoxicant to squirrels. Besides that, it gives us stomach problems over time. We prefer to eat food straight off of trees and flowers anyway. Just don't spray them with that bug death stuff, then you won't have to worry about us getting enough food to eat.

• If you feed the squirrels, only give us enough nuts to fit comfortably in our cheek pouches. Many times humans unknowingly contribute to squirrel hazing by providing the extra nuts used in the cheek stuffing ritual. Just leave a pile and let us do the stuffing. Knowing the pile will still be there, we will make return trips instead. Nothing hurts worse than stretch marks in the cheek pouch. Also keep in mind that not all squirrels HAVE cheek pouches.

• Always keep the lids on dumpsters and trash cans closed. Open, they smell up the neighborhood and become death traps for our young when they go through the clumsy stage of climbing.  Besides, we don't like most of your trash food - we leave that for the raccoons.

 

⁺(the backbone of the Squirrel Hazing site -- VERY FUNNY!

*The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Third Edition copyright © 1992 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Electronic version licensed from INSO Corporation. All rights reserved. Reproduced without permission.

**Name of squirrel has been changed to protect its family.

***"Peanut Oil" abuse has been linked to 75% of all squirrel hazing deaths.

No squirrels were harmed by us.

Several tiny flies were killed for flying in front of the monitor after they had been warned repeatedly not to do so, a meal worm beetle was beaten and killed by a gang of meal worm beetles from a neighboring territory, and a weed was viciously yanked up by its roots for growing in the Human's flower bed and not paying rent...but there were absolutely no squirrels harmed in any way during or for the creation of this page - unless they were of a lower rank and tried to steal our nest, stash, and/or babies.

 
The Weird Web Award.
Click here to verify.

Listen to Karmatoburn's tail-twitchin', squirrel-flippin' MacJams.Com music: Squirrel Hazing

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