3/2/97

In reference to the case involving Rodney P. Woodchip: an autopsy conducted shortly after his "accident" revealed high amounts of "Peanut Oil"* in his system. While "Peanut Oil"* may not have a noticeable affect on humans, it has a very intoxicating affect on squirrels; causing euphoria, paranoia, megalomania, delusions of grandeur, and an extreme state of emotional distress.

While there is a lot of speculation about the reasons behind Mr. Woodchip's tragically early demise, his family has no doubt that some form of squirrel hazing was involved -- perhaps an as-yet-to-be-identified ritual. The Woodchip family takes the threat of legal action from the infamous Loyal Order of the Hollow Log to be proof of this.

*"Peanut Oil" abuse has been linked to 75% of all squirrel hazing deaths.