5/6/97

A lot of people have been submitting inquiries into the possibility of opossum hazing. From the research that we have done for ourselves, we agree that opossums lack the intelligence, foresight, creativity, ingenuity, boredom, and the general lack of self respect that usually goes hand-in-hand with hazing activities. In fact, the opossum doesn't generally like hanging out with others of its own kind.

• The road kill-munching theory (one often sees, and occasionally runs over, a possum standing over the corpus of another--and one is tempted to wonder "are you dining or mourning, little fella?).

and;

• The-incredibly-stupid-creature-attracted-to whirling-hubcaps-and-the-smell-of- asphalt theory.

• The "oh-look-I-see-a-coin-in-the-road" theory (opossums are accidentally killed for the want of some quick cash)
• The "getting-high-from-car-exhaust-fumes" theory (opossums may actually get high from car exhaust fumes)
• The "life-insurance-scam" theory (opossums may be faking their deaths by placing a mangled opossum corpse in the path of moving cars so that their insurance adjusters will think they were accidentally killed*)
• The "murder-for-hire" theory (one opossum is hired to kill another. To cover the crime, the corpse is thrown into the middle of the road to destroy evidence of the murder)
• The "incredibly-stupid-marsupial" theory (the opossums just don't know any better)

P.S. Do you know where we can get some of that grant money?

*Possums have not developed DNA testing, therefore identification is based on visual observation.