5/30/97

Upon receiving your e-mail inquiry into the "Black Squirrels of Stuyvesant Town", we did a little investigation of our own into the phenomenon. As it turns out, black squirrels have appeared elsewhere in the USA: Syracuse, New York; Council Bluffs, IA; Marysville, KS; and Hobbs, NM. This has spawned quite a few theories:

• The "Squirrels In Black" are part of a covert operation to keep squirrels who were abducted by aliens from alerting the public and media.
• The "Squirrels In Black" are responsible for the whole 'OJ Simpson' thing (remember the "guard hairs" that were found in the Bronco?)
• The blackened squirrels are a part of a USA clean air policy by which the squirrels are used as self-cleaning air filters.
• The the blackened squirrels are gathering to form a class action lawsuit against a well known oil company* for polluting their homes.
• The black squirrels are used in the sewers of New York as "Gator Bait;" as UFO investigators in New Mexico; as scarecrows and farmhands in Iowa; and as tornado spotters in Kansas.**
• Squirrels have racial breakdowns similar to humans Squirrels have racial breakdowns similar to humans (i.e. White Squirrels, Black Squirrels, Red Squirrels, and Grey Squirrels.)

As we do not live*** anywhere near a black squirrel population, it is impossible for us to do any field studies into their behavior.

*(hint: opposite of X-Off)

**P&M's Late Night Links does not condone the use of squirrels for bait, UFO investigators, scarecrows, farmhands, or tornado spotters.

***Houston, Texas is not known to have a Black Squirrel population (insert politically incorrect comment here)

SIB ACN Note: As you can see by the last statement, these Humans had no clue about us. After all, I'm an SIB and I was in Houston during this time. In fact, I was in charge of the SIB Bureau in their precinct!