7/14/97

After a thorough inquiry into the effects of squirrel hazing on the squirrel population, we have concluded that the recent discovery of squirrel hazing has not allowed the time needed for an accurate census report.

According to the Cut-N-Shoot Bureau of Small Wildlife Statistics (not affiliated with Texas Parks and Wildlife,) census takers will begin conducting interviews with squirrels in February of 1999. Since most squirrels do not read or write in English, the interviewers must meet with the squirrels on an individual basis.

Reports are slated to be released in August 2023. Please check back then! :)

P.S. As far as the increase in "copulatory" activities following squirrel hazing activities is concerned, we have had some difficulty getting good insight into that particular aspect of squirrel hazing. Squirrel moral values require a non kiss-and-tell practice, which makes such observations difficult. It has been suggested that we force the issue by sending a team of paparazzi out to get pictures, however we prefer to extend a certain amount of privacy to the squirrels.

Our policy is to observe what the squirrels do in plain sight in public areas...not to break into their homes in order to get embarrassing pictures.

*"Peanut Oil" abuse has been linked to 75% of all squirrel hazing deaths.